When Romance Turns into a Nightmare

As a newly engaged woman I take pleasure in the sweet things my Muffin still does for me knowing that once we're married his lack of romance is protected by the law. That is why I was so excited to know he set up an hour long massage for me, all by himself!

How special am I to have the man I love call ahead, make an appointment for me, and pay for an hour of relaxation and pampering. I was so excited. But that excitement soon turned into fear.

As most of you know, I'm a stickler for being on-time. I got to my appointment a few minutes early only to find that the doors to the office were locked. I waited a few minutes before I saw a large Native American woman running in the parking lot towards me. She was wearing a dream catcher necklace that swayed with her large chesticles as she ran as fast as she could in my direction. Before I knew it, she was hugging me. A random stranger was hugging me in front of a locked office. I should have known then that I was not here for relaxation and pampering.

The Chief Lady set up the massage room while I waited in the lobby. The office was peaceful, tranquil, and very adorable. I tried not to think about the awkward greeting outside, but tried to focus on the sweet gift my Muffin had bestowed upon me. Chief Lady led me back into the room, told me to get undressed and lay under the blankets.

As I lay there, excited for the massage to come, Chief Lady told me that she was going to read the energy in my body to understand where she needed to focus the massage. As she rubbed me down with oil, I could not have been happier. She started with my feet, then worked her way up to my thighs. She then, did something I never saw coming. She took a hot stone and put it in the top of my butt-crack.... inside of my underwear. I...was....mortified. How many other people have had that SAME stone in their butt-cracks? How do people relax when there seems to be a hot dookie in their pants? I did not like this. I did not like this one bit.

Chief Lady then told me that I carry a lot of stress in my tail-bone - my sacred place. She mentioned that was a characteristic of people who were nurturing and motherly. She told me she sensed that I was very caring and that I was a good person. I couldn't help but agree. She then told me that lots of good things were coming my way - all at the same time - and that I would need to prepare my body and mind. Chief Lady told me of the importance of focusing on the good things that come so that I can appreciate and welcome them into my life.

Then, Chief Lady, in a steady and serious voice said "I want you to take a heating pad every night and put it on your Vagina. I want you to talk OUT LOUD to your Vagina and say 'Hey Girl, It's me. Just want you to be prepared for the things that are going to happen to you. It may be scary and different, but the journey will be great. Girl, I want to prepare you for the insemination.'"

I don't know what exactly I thought was most funny, but I laughed. Hard. Mostly because I couldn't believe this woman was talking to my fancy part, and telling it to prepare for seeds that were going to be planted. She looked at me and told me, in her oh-so-steady voice, that this was a serious topic. She told me that it was important for me to be physically and mentally prepared for my body to get pregnant as it was going to happen soon. Very soon.

I was scared. She was serious. Does she know something I don't know? Can she tell, just by rubbing me down with oil that my uterus was stretching and doing squats, all so it can carry a baby? I didn't think it could get any more weird .... but then Chief Lady takes a stone and puts it over my heart. All I could think was that it was the same stone that was in my butt-crack minutes earlier, the same stone that was probably in others butt-cracks as well. Now, this butt-crack infested stone was on top of my precious heart.

I couldn't wait for the massage to be over. I wanted to leave this place. I wasnt relaxed. I wasnt calm. I just wanted to go home, away from the stones and insemination talk. Thankfully, Chief Lady told me to take my time getting dressed and she'd meet me in the lobby when I was ready. I got off the table only to find that my entire body was oily. There were no towels anywhere, no tissues, nothing. Just the sheet and blanket that had been covering my body. I took the tan colored sheet and wiped the oil off my body. The sheet was now literally greased stained, so I hid it under the blanket and walked briskly to the door.

Before I could leave, Chief Lady proceeded to hug me 4 times - telling me how special, beautiful, lucky, etc I am. She thanked me for "letting her be her" on our hour long journey together. She then walked me to the door.

I thanked her one last time. I could taste freedom. I couldn't wait to get into the car and call my Muffin to tell him how crazy the lady was. Before I could get to the car, Chief Lady yells one last thing to me.... "I cant wait to crash your wedding!!!!!!!"

Lesson Learned:

Instead of training your man to be romantic, teach him to be resourceful. Teach him how to use Yelp. It'll save you both from butt-crack infestation.