Feelin Spiritual!

Some people eat oysters to get in the mood. Others bust out the champagne, strawberries, and whip cream. Muffin and I don't need anything fancy. Just some good ol' Gospel music to put us in the mood.

Muffin is FINE. Tall, dark, and so handsome it hurts in my special parts whenever I see him. Not only is he one of the most handsome men I've ever met, but he is by far the most genuine. Smart, funny, so thoughtful... he has the tendency to melt away my worst days with his smile.

I decided to invite Muffin to one of my brother's Gospel Choir performances. We made the drive up to Davis and along the way we listened to the random songs on my iPod, saw a fire, and stopped for beer. The gospel performance was fun. We sang our praises to Jesus, said Amen a few times, and clapped til our cheery, God-loving hearts were filled with the Holy Spirit.

After the performance, my family, some of my brother's friends and me and my Muffin head to get some fro-yo. Everyone is standing outside, talking, having a good time. I catch myself just looking at Muffin. Who would have thought that we'd be at a gospel choir concert in Davis with my family?!?! Not me. He looked so comfortable around my crazy family that I couldn't help but smile. Even my extremely high strung mother was falling for his charm. That's when I knew... I was gonna rock his world on the drive home.

I'd like to think of myself as a badass. I'm not shy. I'm not afraid of being wild. So on the drive back, I found myself attached to his love part... with my face. Good thing I have tinted windows because I was going for gold!! Most men don't realize that the best type of girl to go down on your love stick is a extra sexy, thicker than a snicker, big girl! We are always hungry. We know how to use our mouths. We will gobble you up like our life depends on it. And that's just what I did. Gobble Gobble.

All that singing about God and the Holy Ghost had turned our passion into something ferocious. It was almost 1 am when we pulled into his office. Before I knew it, I found myself in the main conference room, laying on a table. The only other time I found myself doing something illegal at work, I ended up breaking the table and blaming the cleaning people...so I was a little nervous. But the only breaking that was done this night was Muffin... breakin' me off!!

I left Muffin's office completely satisfied but a tad bit confused. I never would have imagined that going to a Gospel concert, singing praises to my Sweet Baby Jesus, and spending time with my family would turn me into such a predator. The next day, Muffin texts me asking what had gotten into me.

My response: Must have been the Holy Ghost.

Lesson Learned:

Love is patient. Love is Kind. But sometimes, Love is all kinds of wild! Grrrrr!

Compared To Cattle

Imagine that a tall, handsome, Turkish male model is talking to you. Imagine that this gorgeous man is buying you one tequila shot after another. Now imagine that you've just turned 21 and it's one of your first few nights out on the town.

Gobble was absolutely gorgeous. Quite possibly the most beautiful man that has ever spoken to me in real life (as opposed to the many gorgeous men who frequently speak to me in my dreams.) Gobble worked at his brothers restaurant, was just a few years older than me, and his Turkish accent and green eyes mesmerized my soul. Gobble could have asked me to do just about anything and I would have gladly obliged.

From what I can remember of the night, Gobble kept me busy with funny stories and shot glasses filled with Patron. One after another, I took them back, as though I'd win a medal in the Drinking Olympics. I was going for gold. He should have just put a straw in a Patron bottle. It would have been more efficient.

My cousin's girlfriend was my wing-man for the night. We all drank. We were all merry. The last thing I remember is Gobble taking us all for a drive in his convertible Mercedes after we left the bar.

The rest is a blur. I woke up the next morning in a hotel room with my cousin's girlfriend laying next to me. In the bed next to us, there were two men. I woke up my cousin's girlfriend to ask her where we were. Just as she starts to answer my questions, I see a veil on the dresser across from the bed.

"Who got married?" I shrieked with excitement! "You did, silly!" she replies. Excuse me, but the last time I was awake, I was single. And flirting with a hot Turkish man. Now, I'm married? This is far too much to comprehend in my drunken haze.

Seeing as how I'm not the quietest person, I made enough noise to wake the hot Turkish brothers. Once Gobble explains to me that we did get married, I begin to freak out. I don't even know this man. He may have the most beautiful green eyes I've seen, a jaw so perfectly chiseled that God must have used his best tools, and a smile so bright that it lit up my soul - but I could not have possibly married him. I'm not a reckless person. There was no way I'd allow this to happen.

When it finally settles in that I was, in fact, a reckless and married idiot, I called my father. "Dad, I accidentally got married in Reno. What should I do?" I was terrified to hear his response. "If he got you to Reno, he needs to get you home." That's all he said. He must be mad. At this point, I'd much rather stay in Reno than go home to face my disappointed father.

The almost 4 hour drive home seems like 4 days. When he dropped me off, Gobble tried to explain the situation to my father.

Gobble needed a green card. He was going to be deported if I got an annulment. My father didn't seem to care. Before I knew it, it was Monday morning and I was in San Francisco, in front of a judge, waiting for my turn to annul my spontaneous, drunken, totally awesome wedding to the hottest man I'd ever met.

When it was our turn, my father turned to the judge and asked if he could say something. "Your honor, I'd just like to say that if I had bought a cow and raised it, it would have been smarter than her."

When your father declares to the world, in a thick Persian accent, that livestock is more intelligent than you, you pretty much know you're a useless human being. "Are you sure you cant put her in jail to teach her a lesson?" I was mortified.

Not only did my father want to imprison me, but I would never marry such a beautiful man again.



Lesson learned:

When you drunkenly marry a male model with green eyes, don't tell your dad. He'll send him back to Turkey.

Double Trouble

There's one thing that I just can't live without: ice cream. I love ice cream. So it's only natural for me to want to date the ice cream man.

Push-Pop was a sweet guy. Best of all, he drove a truck around all day that had tons of ice cream in it. HEAVEN!!

After a few months of dating and endless amounts of ice cream, my ass started to resemble a truck. So sexy, I know. It was finally time for Push-Pop to meet some of my friends. One random night, he was out with his boys, I was out with my girls, so we decided to meet up at a club downtown.

My two sidekicks and I made our way to meet Push-Pop and his friends. We drank, danced, and had a great time. At the end of the night, we decided to stop at our favorite taqueria for some late night sustenance... La Victoria's. We got the best taco's and quesadillas money could buy, at 2 am, and went back to Push-Pop's place.

As the girls and I drenched our tacos with the famous Orange Sauce, Push-Pop spent most of the time in the bathroom. After finishing our food, the sleepies kicked in, so I decided to find my precious Push-Pop to tell him we'd be leaving.

I went to the bathroom and knocked on the door. He hadn't shut it all the way so the door opened. I believe in keeping some things mysterious in relationships. There was no part of me that wanted to see Push-Pop on the toilet. He was silent when I called his name. I opened the door all the way to find him on the floor. My precious Push-Pop was on the floor of the bathroom, his pants around his ankles.

I was terrified. I don't remember him drinking that much. He had like 2 beers. Hell, he drove us home! I had no idea what was wrong with him. So I did what any loving girlfriend would do, I kicked him. (Do you think the Devil will allow me a small fan in hell?)

He turns to look at me. We stare at each other for a few seconds, until the stench Push-Pop had created reaches me and I'm now covering my nose and mouth.

"Are you ok?? What happened? Why are you on the ground? Are you drunk? What's wrong with you???" He just laid there looking at me.

Finally, he sat up, and spoke. "I was going to the bathroom, you know, number 2. Then I threw up. Then I fell down."

I couldn't help it. I started laughing hysterically. Who does that?? He wasn't even drunk! I couldn't stop laughing and this angered my dear Push-Pop. He slammed the door in my face. I couldn't even stop laughing long enough to tell him we were leaving.

I gathered the girls, still laughing, and we left.

I got a text while driving home: "You just left me?" I responded: "You poo'd and threw up at the same time. Then fell down. It's gonna take me a while to get that vision out of my head."

Then he responded with the most cruel thing anyone has ever texted me: "No more ice cream for you!"

Not the actual Push-Pop ... or is it????

Lesson Learned:

When the Ice Cream man is sick and has fallen, do whatever it takes to help him! Your ice cream inventory depends on it!

Gimme the Oldies!

I have a confession to make: I like older men.

Some have said that I have an "old soul". Others have said that I seem far too wise for my years. Whatever the reason, I've always had a thing for those old geezers. When I was 19, I dated a man who was 43. I've even had a 2 year relationship with a man 14 years older than me. I've actually never dated anyone remotely close to my age, now that I think about it.

Here are the 5 things you need to know to be more Catherina Zeta Jones and less Anna Nicole Smith:

1. Weekends are for his kids.

Chances are if your man has gray hair, he also has children. When dating an older man, expect to be wined and dined every other weekend and rarely during the holidays. The times he's not with you, he's with the kids. God forbid little Charlie chips a tooth or breaks a bone, you will become a distant memory. Even more frightening are the evil children who resent you for dating their father. Those are the ones they make scary movies of. Be weary... always carry pepper spray.

2. Old = Stubborn

He's been on earth much longer than you. He probably knows what he's talking about. He wont listen to anything you have to say, because let's face it, he's been there and done that. Your old man will always seem stubborn and set in his ways. His past experiences will dictate your future, so be sure to pick an old man with amnesia or memory loss.

3. Medicare

Once you start dating the gray haired hotties, you must constantly be aware of lurking medical conditions. He might not be able to mix alcohol with his medicine, or maybe he just cant eat the killer Gumbo you made because of his cholesterol. No one can stop the inevitable. That's why when you sense he's taking a turn for the worse, you marry him! Sans pre-nup! (Im kidding?? Or am I...)

4. Generational Gaps

To you, "Ice-T" is a hip hop artist. To him, it's a beverage served best when cold. This will be frustrating. Imagine trying to defend your love for liquid leggings or even your beloved Lady Gaga CD... he's just not going to get it. And neither will you when he starts talking about life before the creation of the light bulb.

5. Sexy Time

What you lose in quantity, you gain in quality. There is nothing better than an experienced, fully knowledgeable, and totally mature lover. Be sure to plan accordingly. If after he's pleased you in every way imaginable, he experiences side effects that last more than 4 hours, take him to the emergency room. It's only fair.

People will mistake him for your father. Some people will applaud him for pulling a younger woman. Some people will try to set you both on fire. However, if there's one thing you should take from this, it's that men get better with age.

So stop being a cougar and date an old man. Before he dies.