Don't confuse me with the rest of the girls you know. I hate cuddling. I hate spooning. I think it's pointless. It just makes people sweaty and restless.
Cuddling is not something I want to do for hours. I'm sorry if this offends you. It's not that I wont do it, but there are limits, people!! For about 10 minutes, I can cuddle. After that, I'd like for you to return to your designated side of the bed. I just know that after about 10 minutes, I get hot and sweaty, which leads to cranky and irritable, and no one wants to hug an angry Middle Eastern. Trust me. Just like making out, eventually, you need to come up for air.
Most of my friends tell me that they love to cuddle, spoon, embrace with their men. Just hearing such stories gives me the heebie-jeebies. Quality cuddling is not determined by time, but the connection shared between two people. It's about sharing a moment. Pulling someone close to you, breathing with them, and for a brief moment, allowing your souls to connect. Then you let go. Falling asleep while pretzeled with someone else is not comfortable. I like to sleep on my stomach. Unless you want me to sleep directly on top of you, get your dingy, cuddle-loving hands off of me.
Usually, men get a bad rep when it comes to being affectionate. I think there's nothing wrong with cuddling, I'm sure some men love it, and there's nothing better than feeling your man's strong arms wrapped around you. But when there's a man in your bed, he needs to be free, in case an intruder comes in to steal your organs and sell them on the black market. He needs to be free and untangled to protect you.
There's nothing more sexy than a man who isn't afraid of being the little spoon, letting me wrap my arms around him and allowing me to be the protective love shell... then letting go after my obligatory 10 minutes.
Summary: Cuddling is stupid. Don't touch me.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Making it Rain
Drought (n): A period of time without a boyfriend or love interest. Basically, no sexy time. A drought can drive a person mad. Symptoms of drought are hooking up with ugly and toothless men.
My dating life was as dry as Ghandi's flip-flops, so I decided to increase the probability of rain. I decided to venture into the world of Online Dating. It's been a few weeks, Ive met a few men, and I thought it was only fair to document my findings.
Dimples:
Dimples is built like the man of my dreams. He's a corn-fed, rough neck, totally adorable linebacker who I wanted to ride into the sunset. Til the first time we kissed. It was like kissing my grandpa or a turtle. I was blinded by his dimples, his muscles, and his charm ... but not blinded enough to want to kiss a grandpa again.
Smurf:
Finally, a man that was going to take me out to a nice dinner and get to know me before asking me to send him half naked pictures of myself. Smurf showed up to dinner in the brightest blue shirt you've ever seen. Matching shoes and all. He spent damn near 200 bucks to get me drunk, feed me, and tell me I smell good, like fried rice, when we left the restaurant. 10 minutes after I left, he texted me "When can I see you naked?" I responded with "When your sneakers don't match your shirt, you nasty Smurf."
Arizona:
Everyone loves Arizona Iced-Tea, especially on a hot day. Definitely a thirst quencher. I never actually met Arizona. The reason we never met? We had talked on the phone a few times, he seemed normal, we had things to talk about, he made me laugh. The day we were supposed to meet, he sent me a picture of his man-tool next to an Arizona Iced-Tea can with "Thirsty?" as the caption. No. I've never been thirsty in my life. And now, I hate both Arizona and Iced-Tea. Jerk.
Shaq:
Every girl loves an athlete. Shaq played semi-pro basketball, was lean and strong, and had a smile that made me crazy. Shaq also had a broken foot. So, going on dates with him was fun. Tall, sexy, and in a walking boot. If at any point, he was being weird, I could kick his foot and run. We went to Dave & Buster's only for him to beat me at all the basketball games. DUH. You play professionally. We could have frosted cupcakes but I'd have an unfair advantage. He didn't let me win. I didn't let him see me again.
Snuggle:
Snuggle looked just like Nick Cannon. I was excited to be his Mariah Carey. He was sweet, laid back, and was a perfect gentleman in the beginning. After two dates, he started to text me over 20 times a day and always wanted to know where I was. He was too clingy. I gave him a box of dryer sheets and told him to kick rocks.
Lessons Learned:
Online dating doesn't increase chances of finding someone special. It increases the chance of finding someone weird, perverted, or someone who dresses like a cartoon. Just stay inside. It's a crazy world out there!
My dating life was as dry as Ghandi's flip-flops, so I decided to increase the probability of rain. I decided to venture into the world of Online Dating. It's been a few weeks, Ive met a few men, and I thought it was only fair to document my findings.
Dimples:
Dimples is built like the man of my dreams. He's a corn-fed, rough neck, totally adorable linebacker who I wanted to ride into the sunset. Til the first time we kissed. It was like kissing my grandpa or a turtle. I was blinded by his dimples, his muscles, and his charm ... but not blinded enough to want to kiss a grandpa again.
Smurf:
Finally, a man that was going to take me out to a nice dinner and get to know me before asking me to send him half naked pictures of myself. Smurf showed up to dinner in the brightest blue shirt you've ever seen. Matching shoes and all. He spent damn near 200 bucks to get me drunk, feed me, and tell me I smell good, like fried rice, when we left the restaurant. 10 minutes after I left, he texted me "When can I see you naked?" I responded with "When your sneakers don't match your shirt, you nasty Smurf."
Arizona:
Everyone loves Arizona Iced-Tea, especially on a hot day. Definitely a thirst quencher. I never actually met Arizona. The reason we never met? We had talked on the phone a few times, he seemed normal, we had things to talk about, he made me laugh. The day we were supposed to meet, he sent me a picture of his man-tool next to an Arizona Iced-Tea can with "Thirsty?" as the caption. No. I've never been thirsty in my life. And now, I hate both Arizona and Iced-Tea. Jerk.
Shaq:
Every girl loves an athlete. Shaq played semi-pro basketball, was lean and strong, and had a smile that made me crazy. Shaq also had a broken foot. So, going on dates with him was fun. Tall, sexy, and in a walking boot. If at any point, he was being weird, I could kick his foot and run. We went to Dave & Buster's only for him to beat me at all the basketball games. DUH. You play professionally. We could have frosted cupcakes but I'd have an unfair advantage. He didn't let me win. I didn't let him see me again.
Snuggle:
Snuggle looked just like Nick Cannon. I was excited to be his Mariah Carey. He was sweet, laid back, and was a perfect gentleman in the beginning. After two dates, he started to text me over 20 times a day and always wanted to know where I was. He was too clingy. I gave him a box of dryer sheets and told him to kick rocks.
Lessons Learned:
Online dating doesn't increase chances of finding someone special. It increases the chance of finding someone weird, perverted, or someone who dresses like a cartoon. Just stay inside. It's a crazy world out there!
Monday, April 12, 2010
The Glamorous Life
Some girls are born to date the rich and famous, to be wined and dined and treated like queens. I thought I was one of those girls. I sometimes still think I am one of those girls. But I've definitely learned my lesson.
I've always had a thing for linebackers. Not only are they big, but it's like having security with you everywhere you go. I love big boys so imagine just how happy I was when I met Truck. There's definitely a stereotype attached with dating football players. They're players, cheaters, they kill dogs, etc... but I wasn't worried.
Truck had a little more depth to him than most defensive linemen. We would speak of our families, values, morals, all things NOT football. That's why I was so excited for our first real date.
He had often spoke of the amazing things he'd experienced, the type of lifestyle he lived, and how he was the most romantic man I'd ever find. I was so intrigued. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but I was imagining the most amazing first date possibilities. Dinner someone where fancy, perhaps going to one of the more exclusive clubs for drinks, maybe even a private helicopter ride over the Golden Gate Bridge?? There's no harm in dreaming big and really, it's not my fault I have a very active imagination.
I met up with Truck for our first date. He said was going to take me to a place where we could relax, talk, and enjoy each other.
We didn't go far.
He opened the back door of his truck. Hesitant, I got in. There were two big TV monitors... Like the kind parents have for their kids when on a long road trip. But his were built into the headrests, like a true pimp. The glow from the monitors made everything a little more romantic but I wasn't sure if he got into the backseat with me because he had a driver, or because we were just going to sit back there. I prayed for the best.
My prayers were not heard, so we continued to sit in the back of his truck. With the glow of his TV monitors, he could see that I was confused. He decided to turn on some music to lighten to mood. Romantic r&b songs are great, especially when trying to woo the confused. But not when the subwoofer in the back of the truck is as big as a fridge. The bass rumbled my brain. This was NOT the date I had imagined. There was no Moet flowing from the sky, no 5 star chef asking me how I like my Filet Mignon, not even close.
After almost 30 minutes in the backseat bungalow of love, I realized that we were not going anywhere, I was not going to be wined or dined, and that this hunk of burning love was nothing more than a dud... a really big dud.
Needless to say, no touchdowns were scored that night.
My head's a little too small for my body. I know. Dont judge me.
Lesson Learned:
Just because he's a football player doesn't mean he knows the rules to the game. Always hate the player. It's not the game's fault the player is a dud.
I've always had a thing for linebackers. Not only are they big, but it's like having security with you everywhere you go. I love big boys so imagine just how happy I was when I met Truck. There's definitely a stereotype attached with dating football players. They're players, cheaters, they kill dogs, etc... but I wasn't worried.
Truck had a little more depth to him than most defensive linemen. We would speak of our families, values, morals, all things NOT football. That's why I was so excited for our first real date.
He had often spoke of the amazing things he'd experienced, the type of lifestyle he lived, and how he was the most romantic man I'd ever find. I was so intrigued. I didn't want to get my hopes up, but I was imagining the most amazing first date possibilities. Dinner someone where fancy, perhaps going to one of the more exclusive clubs for drinks, maybe even a private helicopter ride over the Golden Gate Bridge?? There's no harm in dreaming big and really, it's not my fault I have a very active imagination.
I met up with Truck for our first date. He said was going to take me to a place where we could relax, talk, and enjoy each other.
We didn't go far.
He opened the back door of his truck. Hesitant, I got in. There were two big TV monitors... Like the kind parents have for their kids when on a long road trip. But his were built into the headrests, like a true pimp. The glow from the monitors made everything a little more romantic but I wasn't sure if he got into the backseat with me because he had a driver, or because we were just going to sit back there. I prayed for the best.
My prayers were not heard, so we continued to sit in the back of his truck. With the glow of his TV monitors, he could see that I was confused. He decided to turn on some music to lighten to mood. Romantic r&b songs are great, especially when trying to woo the confused. But not when the subwoofer in the back of the truck is as big as a fridge. The bass rumbled my brain. This was NOT the date I had imagined. There was no Moet flowing from the sky, no 5 star chef asking me how I like my Filet Mignon, not even close.
After almost 30 minutes in the backseat bungalow of love, I realized that we were not going anywhere, I was not going to be wined or dined, and that this hunk of burning love was nothing more than a dud... a really big dud.
Needless to say, no touchdowns were scored that night.
My head's a little too small for my body. I know. Dont judge me. Lesson Learned:
Just because he's a football player doesn't mean he knows the rules to the game. Always hate the player. It's not the game's fault the player is a dud.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
