Making it Rain

Drought (n): A period of time without a boyfriend or love interest. Basically, no sexy time. A drought can drive a person mad. Symptoms of drought are hooking up with ugly and toothless men.

My dating life was as dry as Ghandi's flip-flops, so I decided to increase the probability of rain. I decided to venture into the world of Online Dating. It's been a few weeks, Ive met a few men, and I thought it was only fair to document my findings.


Dimples:

Dimples is built like the man of my dreams. He's a corn-fed, rough neck, totally adorable linebacker who I wanted to ride into the sunset. Til the first time we kissed. It was like kissing my grandpa or a turtle. I was blinded by his dimples, his muscles, and his charm ... but not blinded enough to want to kiss a grandpa again.

Smurf:

Finally, a man that was going to take me out to a nice dinner and get to know me before asking me to send him half naked pictures of myself. Smurf showed up to dinner in the brightest blue shirt you've ever seen. Matching shoes and all. He spent damn near 200 bucks to get me drunk, feed me, and tell me I smell good, like fried rice, when we left the restaurant. 10 minutes after I left, he texted me "When can I see you naked?" I responded with "When your sneakers don't match your shirt, you nasty Smurf."

Arizona:

Everyone loves Arizona Iced-Tea, especially on a hot day. Definitely a thirst quencher. I never actually met Arizona. The reason we never met? We had talked on the phone a few times, he seemed normal, we had things to talk about, he made me laugh. The day we were supposed to meet, he sent me a picture of his man-tool next to an Arizona Iced-Tea can with "Thirsty?" as the caption. No. I've never been thirsty in my life. And now, I hate both Arizona and Iced-Tea. Jerk.

Shaq:

Every girl loves an athlete. Shaq played semi-pro basketball, was lean and strong, and had a smile that made me crazy. Shaq also had a broken foot. So, going on dates with him was fun. Tall, sexy, and in a walking boot. If at any point, he was being weird, I could kick his foot and run. We went to Dave & Buster's only for him to beat me at all the basketball games. DUH. You play professionally. We could have frosted cupcakes but I'd have an unfair advantage. He didn't let me win. I didn't let him see me again.

Snuggle:

Snuggle looked just like Nick Cannon. I was excited to be his Mariah Carey. He was sweet, laid back, and was a perfect gentleman in the beginning. After two dates, he started to text me over 20 times a day and always wanted to know where I was. He was too clingy. I gave him a box of dryer sheets and told him to kick rocks.

Lessons Learned:

Online dating doesn't increase chances of finding someone special. It increases the chance of finding someone weird, perverted, or someone who dresses like a cartoon. Just stay inside. It's a crazy world out there!