There’s something awesome about running into your ex-boyfriend and knowing that you’ve made him jealous. Whether it’s because you look good that day, or because you told him of your new super amazing boyfriend, making an ex regret not being with you can feel like a huge accomplishment.
Running into my ex was one of the most awkward experiences of my life. I was walking, downtown, to pick up some dinner. I literally walked right into him and Mr. Ed (his new girlfriend – I only call her Mr. Ed because after a quick poll, the majority of people agreed that she resembles a horse). From the looks of it, they too, were walking around looking for dinner.
It’s not like I could run away and pretend I didn’t see him, holding Mr Ed’s hoof while they smiled and giggled down the street. I had to face it. So what did I do? I came up with the most extravagant lifestyle update possible when he asked how I was. It was ridiculous, but it made me feel better. I was still single. I was going to eat dinner at home, alone. I didn’t need him to know that! The look in his eyes when I told him of my new and improved life told me that my fabricated life intrigued him.
A few days later, I get the text. You know, the “it was nice running into you. You look good. I’m glad you’re doing so well” text. Since the ball was in my court, I decided to play. And play hard. I made it my personal mission to win him back. Not that I actually wanted him back, but that secret, evil, totally bitter part of me that was jealous of his new relationship, and wanted to see if he still cared for me.
It took about a week before he agreed to meet up with me for lunch. A quick bite to eat. As friends. He must really have a thing for horses because lunch was like torture for him. He couldn’t stop talking about her. How great she was. How happy he was. I decided to change the subject. To remind him of all the good times we had … and the things, I know for a fact, his new girlfriend doesn’t do. This excited him. I was winning.
He drove me back to my place. Walked me to my door. I asked if he wanted to come inside for a few minutes. He agreed . We ended up talking a bit more. I had him just where I wanted him! If I could just get him to kiss me, then I would know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wasn’t over me… and I had succeeded in crushing Mr. Ed, that I wasn’t the single loser, that he was worse off than me. He sat down on the couch next to me. I got a little nervous. He leaned in. Then, he whispered… “Do you have any Saran Wrap?”
That is like the LEAST seductive thing to whisper before you kiss someone. I asked him why. His explanation might be, quite possibly, the best explanation for cheating of all time…. He told me that if we put a piece of plastic wrap in between our lips, it wouldn’t be cheating… because… we’re NOT TOUCHING.
I couldn’t go through with it. Not only did I no longer care if he still had feelings for me, I knew that I was trying to seduce a stage 5 creeper.
Lesson Learned:
Saran wrap should only be used to wrap food. Not your face. If someone asks for you to wrap your face with Saran wrap, report him to the authorities, immediately.
No comments:
Post a Comment