Pluck You!

Confession: I’m a hairy beast.

Not just like a little bit of peach fuzz… more like I single handedly keep most razor companies in business. That being said, I usually end up dating men with absolutely NO body hair. It’s a strange thing, I know. It’s not like I go around only speaking to men with no visible arm hair. It just happens! I swear!

Whisker literally had less than 20 hairs on his body, not counting his facial hair. Other than his goatee and eyebrows, he had almost no hair on his body. This was really frustrating. Not only did he look like Dr. Evil’s cat – Mr. Bigglesworth – he was softer than most babies. Oh how I envied him.

He may have been soft and hair-free, but Whisker snored like a bear. Had he been a soldier in Iraq, he would have been given a Purple Heart and sent home just to make the snoring stop. My envy combined with his snoring would keep me up all hours of the night. As I watched him sleep, I would think of evil ways to make him stop snoring. I thought of stuffing his mouth with socks or even dousing him with water. But I hate sleeping in wet spots, so that wasn’t going to work. One day, while resting my head on his chest, listening to him snore his life away, I realized that he had exactly 7 hairs surrounding his nipples.

I have more hair on my knuckles than he did on his nipples. Jerk. I decided that I would pluck one of these hairs… all while he slept. I was going to pluck him as if he was a chicken. Best idea ever!

I picked the perfect hair. I positioned my fingers in perfect plucking position. I yanked. He made THE FUNNIEST whimper noise I’d ever heard. I couldn’t help but laugh. Whisker was not awakened by my yanking. Mission accomplished.

That night, I felt a little better about my life. I had plucked one of his 7 hairs; his pride and joy, the only visible proof that he was a man. I slept well that night.

Weeks went by before he noticed a difference. One night while hanging out with a group of friends, Whisker said something about getting old and losing your hair. He mentioned that he used to have a few chest hairs, but now, they’re all falling out. He was sad about this. We all laughed at him. I secretly died inside. He went inside to get more beer. I told all his friends that I secretly pluck his hairs while he sleeps. I re-enacted the noise. They all cheered. They promised to never tell him my evil ways. I really loved his friends.

I wonder if the hairs ever grew back. We were together for almost 2 years. They never came back when I was with him. I sometimes get the urge to send his new girlfriend an email asking about his chest hairs. But that would just make me creepy.

Lesson Learned:

Plucking your man’s chest hairs while he sleeps does not make you a better person. It just makes you even more hairy than him.