Blow me

I'm not the world's best gift giver. That's my best friend's job. She not only gives the best gifts, but the gifts she gives are themed. She'll bestow onto you a beautifully decorated basket with things you didn't even know you wanted! I, however, suck at giving gifts. It's not because I don't know what the other person wants, or am not attentive to someone's wants/style/etc. I'd rather make a scrapbook, play someone a song on the piano, go on a trip, etc. Actually gifting someone an object is difficult for me.

That being said, I have only managed to be successful in gifting once ... at least that's what I thought. Horny was my boyfriend of 2 years. He looked like a large bulldog - but was a total softy. He always managed to get me great gifts. More Tiffany's necklaces than one girl could possibly need, Flowmaster for my car (!!), the world's most expensive and amazing flat iron... He really knew me well. I was always extra shocked and amazed by the gifts he gave me.

It was Horny's birthday, so I knew I had to step my game up. Our birthdays were only 3 days apart and just a few days before, he had managed to shower me with amazing gifts and a great night out on the town. I had spent weeks trying to come up with ideas for a gift. I was stuck.

I decided to make a list of all the things Horny loves. I'm really good at making lists. I wish I could give people lists I've made as gifts. Sigh.

Horny was a simple man. He passionately loved all the major food groups. He also loved cars. Horny was really good at, and loved, making trumpet noises. He had played trumpet in the marching band in school and would repeatedly tell me the story of when he played in Disneyland parade. Then it hit me, I would buy Horny, a trumpet. It was a genius plan. He LOVED playing it when he was younger. He always talks about playing it. He always mimics the noise, what better gift than a big brass instrument?

I drove to a music store near my house after work. I spent almost an hour in the store to pick the perfect trumpet for my sweet Horny. There are no returns or exchanges. I didn't need those options, I was POSITIVE he would love it.

I drove to Horny's house. Got out the car, lugged the giant trumpet up 2 flights of stairs, put a giant red bow on the case, and waited until he got home. He walks in, sees the trumpet case and is surprised. SUCCESS!! "You bought me a trumpet?" I couldn't even speak I was so proud of myself. I shook my proud head and smiled. "You bought me a trumpet and I'm not even in a band? Why would I want a trumpet? Nice try but you have to take it back!" Um.... wait one minute, you ungrateful horn blowing fool ... you speak of the trumpet as though it was one of the greatest loves of your life. I bring such joy into your life and you tell me to take it back? I was not a happy baby.

I told him there were no refunds or exchanges at the music store. He insisted we take it back. If he really didn't want it, I was happy to get my $500 back but it didn't change the fact that he hated the most perfect gift ever nor did it change store policy. We went back to the store. It was literally less than an hour after I bought this giant stupid trumpet. Horny walks in first, holding the trumpet, while I slowly walk in pouting. The owner sees this and starts to laugh. Horny also starts to laugh. Then they talk about how I was so silly for buying him a trumpet. After a few minutes of being made fun of, Horny manages to get my money back. We leave with what pride I have left, get into the car, and head back to his place.

We ended up just having dinner that night. I didnt have a gift to give him. I felt horrible - mostly because they laughed and mocked me and my heartfelt gift. I felt like I had traveled thousands of miles through the scorching hot deserts to bring Frankincense to baby Jesus in Bethlehem, to be told that Jesus only accepts Myrrh. It was heartbreaking.

Two days later, I bought him a fish. I said "when the fish dies, so does our love." He made me keep the fish at my house.

Lesson Learned:

If you suck at giving actual gifts, then dont give anyone a damn thing. Buy yourself things on other people's birthdays. Everyone will appreciate it.

In your face!

I just did a search for good comebacks to standard break-up lines. My search was unsuccessful. I figure that at some point in time, someone else might need such information. Now, you will be able to use my clever ways to get out of awkward break-up situation on top. Please feel free to use these comebacks. Take pictures. Make t-shirts. Do what you will with them... do not let them go to waste, my friends!

I'm not good enough for you - you deserve better. - Lucky for me, if I lower my standards any more to be with you, I'll die.

I love you, that is why I have to let you go. - You've already let go. You look like you ate the man I fell in love with.

I've fallen too much in love with you. I'm in it too deep - There's no lifeguard on duty and interestingly enough, I like to watch people drown.

You've put on too much weight. - Really? My other boyfriend said I lost weight from all our late night cardio sessions.

I just don't feel it anymore. - Me either. I must have been really drunk our entire relationship because now that I'm sober, I'd rather feel myself.

We both know it's been over for a while now. - I agree. That's why I moved on last weekend. All weekend long. Yee-haw.

I'm leaving you for another man. - Tell your dad I say hi.

This breakup will make our relationship stronger. Trust me. - The only things that will be stronger are my kegels.

My mom doesn't like you. - Your mom goes to college.

All Man. Grr.

I know most of you read this blog because you're interested in the absolutely outlandish things I experience on my dates. I don't usually write good things about just one man. Most of my list blogs are compilations of my experiences with multiple men. That's just how I roll.

This blog, however, has a very specific subject. It is about one man and one man only. A REAL MAN. I've dated many wanna-be sissy mama's boys who cover their lack of manliness with lumberjack beards. Just because someone looks like a man, burps, and can lift heavy boxes, doesn't mean he knows the first thing about being a man.

Here are the reasons I know, for a fact, that my Muffin is ALL man!

1. He knows that tears are not a sign of weakness. It's actually how he sheds his excess amounts of testosterone.

2. He would brave a torrential storm of Biblical proportions to pick me up a box of Tampons. He'd buy me just about anything as long as it wasn't diapers!

3. When he's acting like a punk-ass-bitch-mo-fo, he'll admit it. Maybe not in those exact words, but I know what he really means.

4. He'd never stab anyone in the back. He'd look them dead in the eye while I stabbed them in the face. Team work.

5. He's so reliable that even Jay-Z knows in case of emergency, he can call him to fill in at a concert.

6. In case the world comes to an end, he has a predetermined escape route. He even knows how to turn a broom and some duct tape into a tuna sandwich - in case of famine.

7. He hugs me like he's my very own, personal, super snug, straight jacket.

8. Every time he says "I Love You" it sounds like a song, poem, promise, revelation, all at once. It's like an entire Boys II Men song in 3 little words.

9. He knows the difference between making sweet love and smackin-dat-ass. He knows it well. Very well.

10. He's proud of me. My victories are his. He's a team player - Go Team Michelle!

Sappy, cheesy, mushy...say what you want. But a good man should be acknowledged. Even if it means I come across as a smitten idiot.

Man compliments

We all know that women love compliments. Men, on the other hand, not so much. Maybe if they weren't called compliments, they'd like them. Maybe if they were called Man-Points or Mission Critical Information, they'd acknowledge them. Whatever the reason, some men are genetically unable to blush -when they hear such affirmations, they tend to squish their faces and run away.

I've tried to compliment many men, some for selfish reasons (doesn't hurt when you want a shiny gift!) and some because they deserved it (specifically for killing spiders). Here are 10 Man-Points your man will love to hear.

1. You're the only guy I've ever known who can drink that much and still be a tiger in bed. Grr.

2. You smell like a rugged, super strong, hunk of burning love, who just wrestled a bear. And won. You reek of manliness!

3. That jar you just opened didn't even see it coming. What took you 15 minutes would have taken Jack Bauer 24.

4. Is there anything you cant fix? My computer, car, cervix?

5. If you weren't an engineer/doctor/plumber you could absolutely be a NASCAR driver.

6. Your kisses taste like aged bourbon. So smooth.

7. These are the best hog dogs I've ever had in my life! I'll never eat another $1.50 hot dog from Costco again. Doesn't even compare!

8. You're sexier than all of the gladiators in 300. ALL of them.

9. What are you, a superhero? Did I just watch you save all of mankind again?

10. When you're around, I don't need a match. You're so hot my cigarette lights itself.

Ladies, get out there and give your man a "Man-Point" or two! Your man will be proud to blush to such compliments.

You'll thank me later.

Breaking up the easy way

I never really understood why breaking up was so “hard”. I’ve had 3 boyfriends, I broke up with all of them, and really, it wasn’t that hard. I let them know I didn’t want to be with them and it ended. Sure it was sad times, but it wasn’t necessarily hard.

If I had no problem breaking up with men I had substantial relationships with, it should be easy for me to tell someone I’ve been casually dating for 2 months that it’s not going to work out … or so you’d think. When I first met Dolla Bill, he was damn near perfect. He was so handsome, he had a swag to him that was indescribable. He worked with kids, loved his job, wasn’t much older than me, didn’t have any kids of his own, had never been married. Basically, Dolla Bill had potential future Baby Daddy written all over him.

The first month or so, we hit it off. Hanging out with him was fun. We always had something to talk about, we were compatible – enjoying each other’s company whether out for dinner or at home watching a movie. Dolla Bill and I were taking things slow – really getting to know each other before revealing our freak-nasty sides. I can genuinely say that I liked Dolla Bill. I just didn’t like him for very long.

It all started when I went to Hawaii on vacation. For whatever reason, he found it necessary to make ridiculous suggestions. So ridiculous, indeed, that I had to take a step back and reevaluate my precious Dolla Bill. By the end of the second month, Dolla Bill was on my bad side. I was done listening to his suggestions, I was over his charm, his smile didn’t shine as bright, his texts bothered me, his voice made my blood boil. It was time to tell him. Time to break it off. I knew it was going to be interesting, but I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

I may have a blog, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a heart. I asked Dolla Bill to come over so we could talk. We talked about his awful suggestions and how they pushed me away. You can’t possibly be taken seriously when you ask the girl you’re dating, for one month, to borrow her car. I mean, call me old fashioned, but I’d like to think that borrowing someone’s car is like a rite of passage. Not just anyone can borrow my sexy automobile. Those 22 inch rims don’t roll just for anyone. I told him how incessantly texting me didn’t make me want to respond, nor did his 5 minute long voicemails about how he can’t believe I’m not answering my phone. Did he think I was one of those typical, totally needy, and super desperate girls? Has he not read my blog? Ugh.

Dolla Bill wasn’t understanding why I didn’t want to date him. He was right in thinking that we were compatible when we first met. He just couldn’t understand that I was so turned off by his actions that I had no desire to be with him. That’s what dating is for. To date someone to the point of committing or calling it quits. Dating gives you the chance to get out. He wasn’t going to let me get out easy.

Dolla Bill excused himself to the bathroom. His phone went off while in the bathroom. When he came back, I mentioned it, and like the true idiot I am, made a joke about answering it/going through his phone. I mean, it was a joke. I was giggling when I said it. His phone was in the same place he left it, I was in the same place on the couch. He should know by now that I’m too lazy to snoop around. He mistook my joke for truth, even after I explained that it was nothing more than a bad joke. He grabbed my phone and ran back into the bathroom. Karma? Definitely.

While Dolla Bill was in the bathroom earlier, I had texted a few of my friends. I might have mentioned how much I hated Dolla Bill, how he was a wrinkly old bill that my new machine would not accept. I might have accidentally stripped him of his manliness in these texts and I wasn’t the only one making fun of him. My friends, being awesome and just as evil, texted back horrible things. That’s why I love them. Obviously, these texts were never meant to be seen by anyone else, and definitely not to be seen by Dolla Bill. So when he grabbed my phone and locked himself in my bathroom, my heart sank.

Breaking up is super hard to do. Especially when the one you’re breaking up with has just read endless text messages about how he’s a horrible human being and how you’d much rather mate with a chainsaw. He came out the bathroom, handed me my phone, and didn’t say a word. He got his stuff together and sat back down on the couch. I asked him if he went through my phone. He said yes. I asked him why. He said because I went through his. I reminded him that I had not. He didn’t say anything. I asked what he read. He said it didn’t matter. I told him it must suck to be him. He agreed.

Lesson Learned:

Breaking up doesn’t have to be hard. Just show him the texts you send to your best friend about how much you hate him. He’ll never look back!