I'm not the world's best gift giver. That's my best friend's job. She not only gives the best gifts, but the gifts she gives are themed. She'll bestow onto you a beautifully decorated basket with things you didn't even know you wanted! I, however, suck at giving gifts. It's not because I don't know what the other person wants, or am not attentive to someone's wants/style/etc. I'd rather make a scrapbook, play someone a song on the piano, go on a trip, etc. Actually gifting someone an object is difficult for me.
That being said, I have only managed to be successful in gifting once ... at least that's what I thought. Horny was my boyfriend of 2 years. He looked like a large bulldog - but was a total softy. He always managed to get me great gifts. More Tiffany's necklaces than one girl could possibly need, Flowmaster for my car (!!), the world's most expensive and amazing flat iron... He really knew me well. I was always extra shocked and amazed by the gifts he gave me.
It was Horny's birthday, so I knew I had to step my game up. Our birthdays were only 3 days apart and just a few days before, he had managed to shower me with amazing gifts and a great night out on the town. I had spent weeks trying to come up with ideas for a gift. I was stuck.
I decided to make a list of all the things Horny loves. I'm really good at making lists. I wish I could give people lists I've made as gifts. Sigh.
Horny was a simple man. He passionately loved all the major food groups. He also loved cars. Horny was really good at, and loved, making trumpet noises. He had played trumpet in the marching band in school and would repeatedly tell me the story of when he played in Disneyland parade. Then it hit me, I would buy Horny, a trumpet. It was a genius plan. He LOVED playing it when he was younger. He always talks about playing it. He always mimics the noise, what better gift than a big brass instrument?
I drove to a music store near my house after work. I spent almost an hour in the store to pick the perfect trumpet for my sweet Horny. There are no returns or exchanges. I didn't need those options, I was POSITIVE he would love it.
I drove to Horny's house. Got out the car, lugged the giant trumpet up 2 flights of stairs, put a giant red bow on the case, and waited until he got home. He walks in, sees the trumpet case and is surprised. SUCCESS!! "You bought me a trumpet?" I couldn't even speak I was so proud of myself. I shook my proud head and smiled. "You bought me a trumpet and I'm not even in a band? Why would I want a trumpet? Nice try but you have to take it back!" Um.... wait one minute, you ungrateful horn blowing fool ... you speak of the trumpet as though it was one of the greatest loves of your life. I bring such joy into your life and you tell me to take it back? I was not a happy baby.
I told him there were no refunds or exchanges at the music store. He insisted we take it back. If he really didn't want it, I was happy to get my $500 back but it didn't change the fact that he hated the most perfect gift ever nor did it change store policy. We went back to the store. It was literally less than an hour after I bought this giant stupid trumpet. Horny walks in first, holding the trumpet, while I slowly walk in pouting. The owner sees this and starts to laugh. Horny also starts to laugh. Then they talk about how I was so silly for buying him a trumpet. After a few minutes of being made fun of, Horny manages to get my money back. We leave with what pride I have left, get into the car, and head back to his place.
We ended up just having dinner that night. I didnt have a gift to give him. I felt horrible - mostly because they laughed and mocked me and my heartfelt gift. I felt like I had traveled thousands of miles through the scorching hot deserts to bring Frankincense to baby Jesus in Bethlehem, to be told that Jesus only accepts Myrrh. It was heartbreaking.
Two days later, I bought him a fish. I said "when the fish dies, so does our love." He made me keep the fish at my house.
Lesson Learned:
If you suck at giving actual gifts, then dont give anyone a damn thing. Buy yourself things on other people's birthdays. Everyone will appreciate it.
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