Deal Breakin'

Some of us want a man too sexxxy for his shirt. Some want a man so sexxxy it hurts. Then there's those who just want a man with all his teeth and limbs.

All of us have deal-breakers. I made a list of mine:

1. Dirty Fingernails

There's something absolutely repulsive about dirty fingernails. Especially if those nails belong on the hand of the man who wants to hold my clean finger nailed hand. I'm not saying that I want a man with perfect cuticles and weekly manicures, but the black festering darkness in your nails has got to go if you even want to think about putting your hands anywhere on this body.

2. Bad Teeth

Not everyone grew up with a dad in the dental field and I understand that not everyone can afford braces, zoom whitening, etc etc etc... However, if brushing and flossing your teeth is something you only do the day before your annual dental exam, please feel free to use your mouth on someone else. Like maybe a tree.

3. Pathetic Wuss

Some girls like men who like to cuddle. Some girls like dating men who wear pink lacy underwear. I, however, like to date REAL men. Hairy, sweaty, rough and rugged (but clean finger nailed), aggressive, passionate MEN who grunt, spit, swear, and can kill with their bare hands (if necessary). If the sound of gunshots scare you, go away. If it turns turns you on, please send me an email. I think I love you.

4. Bad Joker

Every girl wants a man that makes them laugh. No woman wants to constantly laugh at their man. Unless he's George Lopez, Dane Cook, Jim Carey, Russel Peters... you get the picture. If you're the butt of all my jokes, how will I ever learn to look past your stupidity and love you? If your jokes cause Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Emphysema, or may complicate Pregnancy, I will refer to you as the weakest link. Goodbye.

5. The Player

I don't want to date an ugly man, duh. When another woman flirts with my man, I take it as a compliment. Until my man thinks that he can flirt back with the low-down, dirty, monkey with a wig on. If you feel the need to date everyone and their mothers, I'm sorry to inform you that mine is happily married and that's not how we roll.


If only I could find a man who could kill zombies in his sleep, decapitate evil with a swing of his light saber, throw me over his shoulder to carry me over puddles, fire two Uzis at the same time while driving a Mac truck through a mine field, I'd be the luckiest girl alive. And the safest.

I mean really, is that too much to ask for??