Bad [facial] Hair Day

Repo, at one point, was the love of my life. I had met him one drunken night at a bar and the rest was history. Repo was hardworking, super outgoing, and would have done anything to make me happy. I adored Repo.

Our birthdays were just 3 days apart, so we always ended up celebrating them together. One year, I had organized a big dinner, with a bunch of our friends, at our favorite restaurant downtown. Live jazz music, our 20 most favorite friends, and yet another year together ... it couldn't get any better.

The day of our birthday dinner, Repo had to work, so I spent the day getting pampered and taking my sweet time to get ready.

Note: Repo had a goatee. Not a big bushy goatee, but a well maintained, slightly thin line around his mouth that draped down to his chin. I called it his handlebar. I love a man with facial hair, and I loved his handlebar. He always had some kind of facial hair in the time I had known him. Whether it was a beard, mustache, or thin goatee, Repo always had fur on his face.


((That's John Travolta, with the same handlebar goatee I loved so much. So hot!!))


It was about time for Repo to pick me up and I was excited. My doorbell rang and I ran to the door to greet my love. I opened the door and was absolutely terrified by what I saw.

There was a man standing in my doorway that looked exactly like Repo, but with no facial hair. He said hi. I could barely hear what he was saying over the sound of my heart racing. What's going on? Who is this man? I knew for a fact that Repo didn't have a brother or a twin. What has this man done with my Repo??

Repo must have sensed my confusion and tried to reassure me that it was him, but I didn't believe it. My handsomely rugged boyfriend had turned into a baby faced weirdo. It just couldn't be him. Repo hugged me, but I told him not to touch me. It felt weird. It felt like hugging a different man. I began to question the smooth faced monster on my porch - Who are you? What have you done with Repo? Where is your facial hair? Why would you do this to me on my birthday?

As I write this, I know it must sound ridiculous. But just put yourself in my shoes! Imagine Mr Clean, with a tan and a goatee. That's basically what Repo looked like. Now, imagine opening the door, expecting to see Mr Clean, but getting Mr Bean. Ugly, right? Well, so was my fur-free Repo. I couldn't bare to look at him. It was too much.

I sent out a mass text to all of our friends to let them know that Repo was "too sick" to make it to dinner that night. I canceled my own birthday party because my boyfriend shaved off his facial hair.

His excuse: The mirror in the bathroom got too foggy, I was in a hurry, and once I messed up, I thought I'd just shave it all off.

My response: Your face scares me now. Call me when your goatee grows back.

Lesson Learned:

Always keep one of those fake mustaches handy, you never know when you might have to glue it to your man's face.