Gold Teeth in the Sand.

We'll call this guy Sea Biscuit. Like the race horse. Not because he was fast, or looked like Mr. Ed, but because that was the movie he took me to see on our first real date.

Warning: I went through somewhat of a phase where I found men with grills attractive. Very attractive.

Grill (n): a gold/diamond plate that is molded to your teeth, sometimes decorated with diamonds. Usually worn by rappers: Nelly, Paul Wall, Michelle Afshar, and many others.

Sea Biscuit had a grill. A fancy grill. Diamonds and all. He even had an extra grill, in case the fancy grill was too flashy i.e. Church. Every time Sea Biscuit would smile, I would see a white light, sent from heaven, reflecting off his grill straight into my heart. It was like being a video girl in a BET Music Video. I thought he was SO dreamy.

Sea Biscuit was a banker by day and rapper by night. He drove a Mercedes (his dads), drank Grey Goose (get loose!) and thought I was the prettiest girl this side of Oakland. After a few dates, usually in a group and usually at a park (Dont judge me. I just followed the light of heaven wherever it led me), Sea Biscuit and I finally had our first real date.

After the movie, we grabbed something to eat. Sea Biscuit had to remove his grill, yeah yeah, his grill, from his mouth. Without his grill, I saw a side of him I'd never seen before. He looked so... normal. I couldn't wait until we were done with dinner. I missed my shiny toothed boo.

Dinner was followed by some time spent in a park, frolicking, like children. I decided to be romantic and push my beloved Sea Biscuit on the swings. I apparently had been eating my Wheaties that day, because I pushed Sea Biscuit so hard that his sparkly grill popped right out of his mouth and into the sand beneath the swings. By the time he jumped off and I realized what I had done, we had created such chaos in the sand that we basically buried the grill.

Sea Biscuit was mad. Very mad, Sea Biscuit was.

With nothing but the light of the moon and the mighty glow of our cell phones, Sea Biscuit and I looked for his white gold and diamond grill for nearly an hour. Finally, Sea Biscuit took me by the hand, led me back to the car, drove nearly 20 minutes to drop me off at home, without speaking a word to me. Sea Biscuit was very mad.

I never spoke to Sea Biscuit again. I spent years feeling guilty about not knowing just how strong I was and losing the BET Music Video Rapper of my dreams. To this day, I pray that Sea Biscuit finds his shiny teeth and feels complete again.

Lesson Learned:

Only date men who have real teeth. Shiny distractions in the mouth are only used to distract you from their cold and bitter souls.