No Ordinary Love

AliBaba was a hairy man. He spoke with the slightest hint of an Iranian accent, drove the Iranian mobile (BMW) and ate kabobs every chance he got. AliBaba wasn't one of those Iranian douchebags who gels his hair, wears sparkly Ed Hardy shirts and fist pumps in the club. On the contrary; He was a baby-faced engineer who giggled every time I spoke.

AliBaba and I had gone on several dates. Wonderful dates. He was so chivalrous, caring, and made me feel like a princess. I couldn't get enough AliBaba. We always did whatever I wanted to do, he took me where I wanted to go, and he never complained. I loved that about AliBaba. But no relationship is successful when only one person is happy, so I thought I'd try one of his interests. What better way to show him that I like him, then to venture far out of my comfort zone? How bad could it be? He's a modern day camel jockey, I'm sure his interests wont kill me.

AliBaba loved to hike.

Hike (n): A long walk for pleasure.

One could assume that hiking could be a pleasant activity enjoyed by two people who were getting to know each other. I had never, ever, in my life, gone on a hike. I had told many people to "take a hike", but never had I joined them. I envisioned walking on a dirt road, under giant redwoods, stopping every now and again to make out, and then coming home to show him the kind of hiking I really like to do. The kind done laying down, while drooling, with your eyes closed, in bed.

That was absolutely NOTHING like the day AliBaba took me hiking. The day before, he made sure to rile me up, confuse me, and basically scare me so that I'd be a nervous wreck in the morning. I wore all black, pulled my hair back and put on some mascara. A girl can never leave home without her lashes. Duh.

AliBaba takes me to what looks like a giant park with hills and tons of people. I'm scared. There's no parking, so we have to park far, and make an unnecessary trek before we even begin the hike. The trek included jumping over a wooden fence, climbing up a steep and loose hillside, and jumping over snake holes. What have I gotten myself into?? We haven't even started to hike and I'm hot, angry, and want to kill AliBaba for taking me to the mountains.

By the time we get to the bottom of the trail, I can tell that I'm in trouble. The trail doesn't gradually incline, it's basically the world's most steep incline. Did I mention I hate being outdoors? I'm not a quitter and we had already come this far, so I started to pray I'd live through this adventure. AliBaba and I start to hike. My lungs give out 2 minutes into the incline. Old people are passing us. All I see is AliBaba's stupid hiking pouch, with water bottles on his hips, and his hairy legs. I decide that I will push AliBaba off the top of the hill as revenge for being interested in such an excruciating activity.

As we continue up this incline of death, AliBaba has the nerve to turn around and walk up the hill BACKWARDS! Was it so easy for him that he could do it while walking backwards? Why not start juggling, AliBaba? Jerk. I could barely breathe and this camel jockey wants to start telling jokes. I was so angry. Mostly because my body was not built for hiking. I was built for laying down, being fanned by large shirtless men, and watching TV. I'm pretty sure that before we were even halfway up the incline, I had started to curse AliBaba, his mother, and most of Iran.

At one point, he decided that he would walk behind me and assist me by pushing me up the hill. Push me? Do I look like a mule? Am I on a swing? Oh AliBaba, how I hate you and your hiking. My anger only increased when I notice a large woman thundering down the same hill, holding 2 ski poles. Is this hike so dangerous and rugged that I need poles? AliBaba didn't bring any poles for me to use. At that moment, I realize that this bastard brought me here to die.

After what feels like 3 weeks, we finally reach the top of the incline. There are two options. Keep going up the ferocious incline, or go down the hill, in the shade, with old people and families. I chose the latter. Poor AliBaba was sad. I had cut his hike short. He was just getting warmed up while I was completely exhausted. We take the trail downhill and for almost an hour, we walk, while I complain. By the time we get back to the car, I'm a hot mess. (Refer to previous blog - I'll Cry If I Want To - for definition)

The car ride home is filled with silence. Until AliBaba's favorite song comes on the radio. Sade. No Ordinary Love. Which he begins to sing, at the top of his lungs, just for me...

I gave you all the love I got
I gave you more than I could give
I gave you love
I gave you all that I have inside
And you took my love

After almost 2 months of dating, of seeing each other a few times a week, of spending hours together and always having a great time, AliBaba sang to me and I realized... this ain't no ordinary man.

I took this picture as we were leaving. May not look scary from here, but we were in those hills!! Insanity.

Lesson Learned:

If your date wants to take you hiking, bring a shotgun. If you don't kill him on the hike, you will need it when he starts singing 90's love songs to you on the way home.