Lovely Lady Humps

I was set up on a blind date by a coworker. My coworker thought that I would get along great with his wife's brother, Humpty. He had a long list of reasons why he thought Humpty and I would click so I trusted my coworker and agreed to go on a double date with them.

My coworker had given my phone number to Humpty so that he could call and arrange a nice date for us all. A few days before we were supposed to meet, he gives me a call. Going into this, I was told that Humpty was super funny. He did stand up comedy on the side, had a great job at a big software company in the bay area, owned his own home, and was extremely established for only being 28 years old. Those are all great things, of course, so while I was cautious, I have to admit, I was a tad bit excited to meet him.

Talking to Humpty for the first time went really well. We did have a lot in common. We watched a lot of the same TV shows, went to the same bars with our friends, both played piano growing up, and to top it all off, he was, actually, pretty funny. For whatever reason, I just assumed that my coworker wouldn't set me up with a weirdo, so I never thought to ask what this Humpty looked like. I didn't want to come off as being shallow, I'd rather just go with the flow and hope that I'll be pleasantly surprised when I meet him.

I was to meet my coworker, his wife, and Humpty for dinner just down the street. I put on my go-to dinner date outfit, straightened my wild hair, and took my time trying to look my absolute best. Not knowing what he looked like, had me feeling a little insecure. What if he thinks I'm ugly? What if he's gorgeous and I freeze up and start drooling at the dinner table? What if he thinks my curves are far too dangerous? What if, what if, what if...

I'm the first to arrive at the restaurant so I head to the bar for my favorite drink - a Hard Arnold. Lots of vodka, some iced-tea and some lemonade. It's amazing. While enjoying my drink, watching football, and making friends with the bartender, I'm so rudely interrupted by an extremely hard tapping on my shoulder. I turn around and there it was. Humpty.

Humpty was no taller than 5'4. I'm 5'6 and wearing heels. So let's just say I'm 5'9 tonight. He came up to my chin. Humpty was wearing a black baseball cap, a button up shirt tucked into his Levis 501's and purple Chuck Taylor's. He had a gap in his teeth that gave me a full view of his tonsils. Humpty scared me.

I'm no one to judge. I'm know I'm not the hottest girl. I know I'm not thin, have more arm hair than most Persian men, and can balance a plate on my giant ass, but I have yet to make children cry, just by looking at them. I had to snap out of it. I had to get over the fact that my wonderful coworker set me up with the shorter version of Corky from Life Goes On.

At dinner, I was fairly quiet. I engaged in some casual banter, laughed at all the jokes told, and even made some of my own. I started to warm up to Humpty by the time our appetizer came around. I began to realize that despite his appearance, Humpty seemed to be quite the charming gentleman. He complimented me endlessly, always had a quick response to anything I said, and appeared to be a nice guy. Until he took his hat off.

I had JUST gotten used to his face when he took off his baseball cap. Under that cap, was 2. large. humps. You heard me, HUMPS. They were the size of golfballs, on the side of his head. He had hair, but his buzz cut only amplified his misshapen head. Not only is Humpty ugly, but his head is broken. There's not enough vodka on earth to make this ok.

I tried not to stare, but couldn't help it. I got caught. I was embarassed. Humpty then goes into how he got these two humps on his head ... "When I was little, my sister dropped me, she's the reason I have a gap in my teeth and two large bumps on my head. Or as I like to call them, my lovely lady humps." Humpty, my coworker and his sister all begin to laugh while she tells him to be nice and not lie to me so soon! Now, I'm just confused. He knows I'm scared, and he tries to soften the blow by lying about child neglect? This guy is just weird.

Everyone finishes their entree and I'm ecstatic when it's time to leave. I say goodbye to everyone and have to refrain myself from breaking into a sprint to my car. The moment I get into my car, my phone rings. It's Humpty. "Michelle, come back, I wanted to give you a kiss goodnight!" Oh sweet baby Jesus, he must be joking. I tell him I'm tired and must get back to my dog. I drive off, trying my hardest not to burn rubber out of the parking lot.

The next day at work, my coworker asks me what I thought about Humpty. I told him the truth. "While he's funny, charming, and definitely has many things in common with me, why in God's name, was I not warned about what he looks like?"

My coworkers response: If I told you what he looked like, you wouldn't have gone. Duh.

Lesson Learned:

The only time to go on a blind date is when you're legally blind and dating. Otherwise, you'll find yourself sitting across the table from a man caressing his lovely lady humps.