The Princess and the Ogre

Once upon a time, in a far away land, there lived a pretty princess. This pretty princess had spent years trying to forget the giant ogre she once fell for, in hopes that she could find her one true love. No matter how hard she tried, that ogre had some kind of magical hold on her. She knew she would always love him. Shrek would forever have a special place in her pretty princess heart.

Shrek was huge. 6 feet and 11 inches of man. He had tattoos, mumbled his words and always chewed on a straw. Despite that seemingly ogre-like description, Shrek was handsome, charming, and at one point in my life, the apple of my eye.

I was so excited to spend a few days with my Shrek. He was going to visit and I couldn't wait to introduce him to my roommate, have him bond with my dog, and just spend quality time with him. Every time Shrek and I are apart, I miss him, wish he was closer, and wonder when I'll see him again. But whenever Shrek and I were together, I wonder what it was about him that I missed, wish he'd stop chewing on straws, and can't wait for him to leave so I can miss him all over again.

On the last night of his visit, Shrek decided that he'd treat my roommate and I to dinner to show his appreciation for our hospitality. For whatever reason, my sometimes antisocial roomie didn't want to join us so I had to beg. I needed her to accompany us so I wouldn't stab him out of boredom at dinner. After a good 10 minutes of begging, she finally agrees to join us. Hallelujah!

I live on the 7th floor so obviously we take the elevator. Shrek decides that it's a perfect time for him to practice his slam dunking skills and jumps as though he's blocking the game winning shot from Shaquille O'Neal. The massive PSI from his jump catapults us into what feels like a speeding bullet straight to hell. Then, the elevator stops on the 4th floor. And starts bouncing. Then it drops. Sweet baby Jesus, we're gonna die. We end up stopping somewhere between the 2nd and 3rd floor. Shrek has managed to get us killed. Great. Just, great.

After I check my pants to make sure I haven't soiled myself, I use the emergency call button to dial for help. I can barely hear the switchboard operator over Shrek's laughter and my roomie's anxiety attack.

Me: Help! We're stuck!
Operator: Tell me where you are? What happened?
Me: It says 3rd floor, we cant get out! Its stuck! Please read me a story, I'm scared!
Operator: Ok, calm down honey, want me to call your mommy or daddy??

I know I sound young on the phone but in a time of crisis, that was the last thing I wanted to hear. I just wanted to get the hell out of the elevator before my roomie killed Shrek. The operator tries to reset the elevator with no luck. He has to send technicians. The wait time is an hour...

The switchboard operator stays on the line with us while we wait. I ask him every question that comes to mind in hopes to entertain my roomie before she shoots bamboo daggers out of her eyes and straight into Shrek's heart. No luck, she's pissed. She didn't even want to come to dinner. I had begged her. I was afraid to even look at her! Shrek, however, thought being stuck with us and the switchboard operator was a jolly good time!

My roomie starts to put her makeup on so that she wont die "ugly". About an hour into our imprisonment in the elevator, we hear voices. We start to scream for them to help us. The two guys are useless and can offer us nothing but their stupid little giggles from the outside world. I then may or may not have yelled profanities to strip them of their manliness... but hey, it was a life or death situation and my emotions got the best of me.

Finally, help arrives. After almost another entire hour of asking the switchboard operator if he's wearing underwear, what he ate for lunch, if he washes his hands after going to the bathroom, the elevator drops again... with no warning... to the basement. I don't think I've ever screamed so hard. I honestly believed I was going to die in the elevator with my angry but freshly made-up roomie and Shrek.

We spent a little over 2 hours in that elevator. One would think that once we were freed, the ordeal would be over, BUT no. Because we spent all that time trapped in a cage, every restaurant around us had closed. Still angry and extremely hungry, dinner is filled with silence and evil glares.

We get home and my roomie and I try to relax after our near death experience, keeping in mind that it was Shrek's last night and we'd never have to see his huge jumping ass again. Shrek has retreated to my room out of fear or maybe even shame, but after a while, I decide check on him. In the few minutes I left him alone, Shrek managed to break my bed.

Not just break my bed, but he literally bent the metal frame of my bed beyond repair. First, he traps us in an elevator. Now, my bed frame is broken and I'm sleeping on the floor. This is quite possibly the most aggravating night of my life. I wasn't mad about getting stuck since I knew it was going to be something we'd laugh about later and I wasn't too upset about my bed frame since it's just a bed frame....but the fact that they both happened in the same traumatic night, was a tad bit overwhelming.

Shrek didn't know his own strength in my pretty princess world. He also didn't know that when he left, my roomie and I did a happy dance.

Lesson Learned:

If you're in an elevator with a large man, kill him before he jumps and gets you stuck.

Proof that Shrek and I were stuck in the elevator. I asked if he wanted me to blur his face, he insisted on not being censored.