I’ll Cry If I Want To!

To describe Eggplant in just one word, I’d pick: gentleman. Eggplant was kind, chivalrous, and knew just what to say to make me smile. Eggplant was nothing like the guys I usually dated. He was artistic, soft spoken, and extremely gentle. (I usually like them rough, rugged, and rowdy)

For our first date, Eggplant and I decided to meet for dinner. We talked about the usual things; how pretty I am, how funny I am, in all, the conversation was amazing. We had such a great time that I really didn’t want our date to end. It just so happened that in the same plaza there was a PetSmart and I really needed to pick up some dog chow for my pup ( may she forever rest in peace.)

Random fact: I have a certain infatuation with anything Jewish. Don’t know where it comes from, or why I find it so amusing, but I just do. Needless to say, I was ecstatic to find that PetSmart carried a KOSHER plush dog bone. Perfect. It was absolutely perfect.



I was impressed by Eggplants ability to look past my weird obsession with Jew toys so when he asked if I’d like to see a movie, I was beyond thrilled. That week, Marley and Me had opened in theaters and I was dying to see it. All I knew was that it was about a cute dog. A cute and quirky dog and the owners that loved him. Nothing more, nothing less. Not only did Eggplant accept my weird obsessions, but he even let me pick the movie on our date! Marley and Me, here we come!

For those who have not seen the movie, I envy you. The stupid dog in the movie DIES. And not just dies because he’s hit by a car or tractor in a quick and painless death, but the dying takes up the last 30 minutes of this movie. I have never, ever, in my life sobbed so hard in a movie theater. I was a HOT MESS.

Hot Mess (n): When ones appearance is in a state of disarray but they maintain an undeniable attractiveness or beauty.

Mascara was all over my face, my eyes were puffy and my sleeve was soaked with tears. At one point, I honestly lost complete control and began the uncontrollable whimper. This is not appropriate first date behavior.

Poor Eggplant didn’t know how to console me. Does he keep quiet out of fear and seem insincere? Or does he try to comfort his new Jew toy loving princess? When he leaned over to ask me if I was going to be ok, I began to sob. Hard. Harder than I ever had in my life. Not just because poor Marley was dying, but for my own dogs that had died, the dogs in my life that would die in the future, world hunger, wars in the Middle East, and global warming. Poor guy didn’t see it coming.

After the movie, Eggplant walked me to my car, as I continued to whimper and wipe my tears. I must have cried the entire drive home and possibly even in my sleep that night. I wish he had picked a different movie. I wish he hadn’t been so sweet and eager to please me and picked the new Harry Potter Film. Anything other than that damn Marley.

Lesson Learned:

Only date men who chose the movie. Do not view this as controlling. View this as a selfless act of kindness. Just trust me.