Indecent Exposure

Donut and I had gone on 4 successful dates. Each date was filled with hours of conversation, tons of laughter, and undeniable chemistry. Donut was a slightly famous warden at the prison. Slightly famous because he was in an episode of Locked Up where they interviewed him about the dangers of being a warden. He was technically on TV for 2 minutes and 11 seconds. My hero.

I decided that for our 5th date, I would make Donut dinner. The dinner was to show my appreciation for all the times he drove to see me and all the dates he so generously paid for. While he made the two hour drive to see me, I began to cook the feast.

By the time Donut arrived, I had whipped up an appetizer, a delicious entree, and even baked cookies. Donut was thrilled. I'm sure he thought to himself, "She can cook AND she looks like a taller and less hungry version of Kim Kardashian? I must be the luckiest man alive!!" I'm almost positive he thought that to himself.

Donut and I enjoyed our romantic dinner for two. He loved my cooking and I loved the fact that he was 6'5, looked like a linebacker, and could shoot people at work (only if necessary, not for fun). He was my knight in shiny prison armor. My roommate came home shortly after we finished dinner and joined us in the living room for some casual conversation. Donut even showed us the clip of him on Locked Up. My, how impressed we were.

It had started to get late and I wondered when my glazed Donut would leave. I've been known to kick men out of my house, but I was feeling generous that day and thought I'd let him leave on his own. Donut excused himself to use my restroom. He was gone for a while so I went to check on my cream-filled Donut only to realize he was laying in my bed. Under the covers. With the lights off. How strange.

Me: Donut? Why are you in my bed?
Donut: I was going to take a quick nap before I make the drive back home.
Me: Oh, ok! I'll let you nap
Donut: Or you could join me?

Note: The chemistry between us had been raging from the moment we met. However, we were able to control ourselves and had only engaged in some tonsil hockey up until this point. I know, from experience, that whenever a guy asks you to lay in a bed with him, there are only two possible things that will happen: 1.) The Horizontal Mambo or 2.) He snores like a grizzly bear directly into your ear, severely rattling your brain.

I wasn't ready for either of those options so I declined the offer. I could tell my jelly-filled Donut was not too thrilled about my answer. Just then, the light from the moon began to reflect directly off of my sweet Donuts body.

Me: Donut, is that your nipple?!?!
Donut: Yes?

OH HELL NO! There is a giant man, who beats prisoners for a living, in my bed. Naked. I freak out. I tell Donut to immediately put his clothes back on and to leave! I couldn't believe that my sweet Old-Fashioned Donut was such a creep!

Donut: Why are you mad?
Me: Because you're naked in my bed!
Donut: Of course I am, you made me dinner. Why would you make me dinner if you didn't want to get naked?
Me: GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!!!!!

Donut scrambled to get the heck out of my condo, never to be seen again. I never spoke to Donut again. He tried to call a few times to apologize. He sent a few text messages and even a lengthy apology in an email but I just never got over the shock long enough to respond.

Lesson Learned:

Never cook a man dinner unless you also plan on giving him desert. And by desert, I'm not talking about cake.